


KARKAT: Embarrass Yourself Utterly

by Cephied_Variable



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-17
Updated: 2011-04-17
Packaged: 2017-10-18 06:38:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/186057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cephied_Variable/pseuds/Cephied_Variable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>woah<br/>rewind<br/>you been lookin at my ass vantas</p>
            </blockquote>





	KARKAT: Embarrass Yourself Utterly

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted for lulz on the [kink meme](http://homesmut.livejournal.com/5183.html?thread=2659135#t2659135), but I keep getting comments for it so I guess it needs to go up for posterity.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: FUCK YOU!  
TG: oh hey  
TG: you only talk to me if its to whine about how your girl is macking on my sweet self  
TG: and let me tell you i relate  
TG: ive met dave strider and he is irrepressibly cool  
TG: felt so goddamn dwarfed by his presence  
TG: crying and shaking  
TG: but i dont really have time for that right now  
TG: important shits goin down on our end  
CG: DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU IN THAT ACIDIC WASTELAND OF A THINK PAN YOU HUMANS SO CHARMINGLY AND COLLOQUIALLY REFER TO AS A "BRAIN" THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE THE FEARLESS AND ALSO VERY BUSY TROLL LEADER, KARKAT VANTAS, MIGHT HAVE A FUCKING IMPORTANT REASON FOR CONTACTING YOU? LIKE MAYBE IF WE DON'T REAFFIRM THIS ONE LAST TIME THAT OUR SCHEDULES AND TASKS ARE PROPERLY ALIGNED WE MIGHT FIND OURSELVES TURNED INSIDE OUT KISSING OUR OWN EXCREMENT CHUTES IN DESPERATION AS THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE IMPLODES IN ON ITSELF.  
CG: FUCKING THINK, STRIDER. THIS IS IMPORTANT.  
CG: WHATEVER IMPURE THOUGHTS TEREZI HAS BEEN ENTERTAINING ABOUT YOUR HORRIFIC ALIEN BIOLOGY  
CG: WHICH I AM NOT SAYING SHE HAS EVEN THOUGH I'M PRETTY SURE THAT IF SHE HAS- AND WE'RE BEING THEORETICAL HERE, STRIDER, SO DON'T FUCKING BE A DOUCHE ABOUT THIS- SHE IS JUST DOING IT TO MAKE ME JEALOUS  
CG: WHATEVER DISGUSTING THOUGHTS SHE HAS HAD ARE NOT AT ALL RELEVANT TO THE CURRENT SITUATION, END OF STORY. EVERYONE GO HOME AND KISS YOU LUSUS GOODNIGHT.  
TG: horrific alien biology  
TG: ouch sick burn man  
TG: crying and shaking all over again  
TG: since you dont seem to know much about humans i gotta back this party van up and educate  
TG: you gotta know that i am bonafide one fine piece of unripened man meat  
TG: pedos and cougars so many babes and bitches always all up ins  
TG: got chris hansen on speed dial  
CG: WHO THE FUCK IS CHRIS HANSEN?  
CG: OH WAIT GUESS WHAT!?  
CG: SPOILER ALERT: NO ONE FUCKING CARES.  
CG: NO ONE FUCKING CARES ABOUT YOUR SO-CALLED GLITTERING WIT AND NO ONE FUCKING CARES ABOUT YOUR CREEPY MUTANT EYE COLOUR OR YOUR CREEPY MUTANT HAIR COLOUR OR YOUR UNBELIEVABLY FLAT ASS.  
TG: woah  
TG: rewind  
TG: you been lookin at my ass vantas  
CG: THERE IS NOTHING TO LOOK AT.  
CG: YOU CANNOT ACCUSE ME OF STARING AT SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT EXIST. WHAT CONNECTS YOUR LEGS AND TORSO IS PARADOX SPACE. IT IS A BLACK HOLE, THE DEATH GASP OF A DOOMED UNIVERSE.  
TG: its cute how much thought youve put into this  
CG: ONCE AGAIN YOU CANNOT PUT THOUGHT INTO A NEGATIVE VALUE. I HAVE PUT NO THOUGHT INTO YOUR ASS, STRIDER, BECAUSE TO DO SO WOULD CAUSE THE CONTENTS OF MY THINK PAN TO LIQUEFY AND LEAK OUT MY NOSE HOLES. YOU CANNOT APPLY LOGIC TO CHAOS.  
TG: oh i always suspected you were a fatty  
CG: WHAT!?  
TG: not everyone can have a nice little troll bubble butt like you tubby  
CG: WHAT!?!?!?!?  
TG: this here is what we call a white ass in my culture  
TG: when i dance people go snowblind  
TG: snowblind is a synonym for striderfied  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT!?  
CG: I AM NOT TUBBY I AM TONED AND LITHE AND OBVIOUSLY ON THE VERGE OF GROWING INTO THE TALLEST AND MOST MUSCULAR TROLL BADASS THRESECUTIONER SINCE THE THRESH PRINCE OKAY.  
CG: OR I WOULD HAVE BEEN IF ALTERNIA HAD NOT BEEN DESTROYED  
CG: AN EVENT, BY THE WAY, WHICH I AM SLOWLY BECOMING CONVINCED WAS TOTALLY IF NOT PARTLY YOU AND YOUR STUPID HUMAN FRIENDS' FAULT  
CG: BUT EVEN IF I WERE TUBBY THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT AND BESIDES IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.  
TG: okay  
CG: AND EVEN IF I WAS IT WOULD BE BETTER THAN HAVING AN ASS THAT COULD BE USED AS A SLIME-TUBE HOLDER.  
CG: YOUR ASS IS LIKE THE AFTERMATH OF AN EARTHQUAKE  
CG: FLATTENED AND DEPRESSING, HAUNTED BY THE CRIES OF THE DYING.  
CG: IT IS A SINGLE SHEET OF FRESH LAUNDRY HUNG OUT TO DRY ON A WINDLESS DAY  
CG: I THINK THAT I SAW YOUR ASS IN A MOVIE ONCE; THEY WERE USING IT TO FORGE THRESECUTIONER SICKLES ON  
TG: you are turning me on  
CG: HA HA VERY CLEVER. EVEN IF YOU WERE- AS HUMANS SAY 'TURNED ON'- I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOUR ASS EXISTS ONLY IN METAPHORICAL TERMS. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I WOULD GO ABOUT APPROACHING YOUR ASS. IT IS A PERPLEXING RIDDLE. IT IS HORIZONTAL ENIGMA. ITS A FUCKING ALGEBRA PROBLEM. I HAVE TO REARRANGE SOME GODDAMN EQUATIONS JUST SO I CAN FIGURE OUT THE CORRECT WAY TO PUT MY HANDS ON IT.  
TG: uh  
CG: AND ONCE MY HANDS WERE ON IT I'D HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO CUT MYSELF ON ALL THOSE FOURTY FIVE DEGREE ANGLES. OR GET SUCKED INTO THE FUCKING BLACK HOLE DWARF STAR NONSENSE OF WHATEVER. I'D BE FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE AGAINST THE ANTI-EXISTENCE THAT IS YOUR ASS. YEAH, STRIDER, THAT'S A REAL TURN ON. I AM JUST SITTING HERE PETTING MY BONE BULGE THINKING ABOUT IT.  
TG: yeah  
TG: this is getting  
TG: into major bat country business right about now  
TG: i mean you are kind of creeping me out here dude  
TG: i get that youve got some kind of weird human hate fetish but this just aint gonna fly man  
CG: I DO NOT HAVE A HUMAN HATE FETISH WHAT THE FUCK.  
TG: i mean you are just sitting there talking about cupping my ass man  
CG: I AM INSULTING YOU. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? OH MY GOD.  
TG: fantasizing about getting a good feel there  
TG: reaching in to stroke my white dwarf or whatever  
CG: OH MY GOD  
CG: YOU ARE THE MOST VILE HUMAN  
CG: NO  
CG: THE MOST VILE  
CG: SENTIENT BEING  
CG: THAT STILL EXISTS  
CG: YOU ARE WHAT COMES FROM BETWEEN THE TOES OF DEGENERATE HIGH BLOOD SOCIOPATHS  
CG: SHIT OUT BY A STINKBEAST  
TG: just admit it karkles  
TG: you want me  
TG: shh bb stop repressing  
CG: AUGHHGH  
CG: STOP  
CG: JUST  
CG: FUCKING  
CG: STOP  
TG: shhh only truth now  
TG: i bet tz would be so into a threesome

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

GC: WH4T D1D YOU S4Y TO K4RK4T?  
GC: 1 TH1NK H3 JUST CR4CK3D H1S K3YBO4RD 1N H4LF.  
TG: oh just about how he was so hott for me and my pasty white alien ass  
GC: H3H3H3H3H3  
GC: Y34H. TH4T 1S SO TRU3. >;]  
TG: i know


End file.
